MONKEY REVIEW: My Bloody Valentine 3D
January 16, 2009
My Bloody Valentine 3D, in its cheesy ads that recall gimmicky William Castle thrillers of the 50’s and 60’s, promises an entertainment filled with sex, violence and, well, 3D, which, in the logic of the ads, all add up to the perfect date movie, particularly if you happen to reside in the 18-25 year old demographic at which this movie is clearly targeted. A remake of a 1981 slasher flick and cult favorite of the same name, My Bloody Valentine 3D is designed as something of a ride, and it’s relentless and even shameless in its determination to deliver on the promise of its ads. And within those limited parameters, it’s a success, delivering buckets of blood and gore in borderline absurd amounts, and sex, mostly in the form of Betsy Rue, who, a la Linnea Quigley in Return Of The Living Dead, spends the vast majority of her screen time completely nude. And, oh, yeah, there’s a plot, involving a psychotic miner named Harry Warden, who, ten years after perpetrating a massacre of some twenty people, has apparently returned to his hometown to wreak more bloody havoc. What this remake sacrifices in its desire to deliver over the top gory thrills is all the creepiness and atmosphere that made the first one so memorable. The mines, which the original exploited to maximum claustrophobic effect, are barely used here, and mostly treated as another place where the killer miner uses to rack up a body count, a real missed opportunity especially considering the 3D angle, which is otherwise pretty impressively done. My Bloody Valentine 3D also loses considerable momentum about two/thirds of the way through and even seems to lose some interest in the whole 3D thing, but then there’s maybe only so much you can do with a miner’s pick axe. Finally, it wobbles through a needlessly protracted conclusion. All that said, by that time, My Bloody Valentine 3D‘s definitely delivered the goods, as promised, so most audiences will probably forgive the movie those considerable lapses. The cast, which features Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith, Tom Atkins and Kevin Tighe, is actually quite good, especially King, whom I like the more I see her in movies. My Bloody Valentine 3D is by no means a great movie, but like its predecessor, it’s pretty effective for what it is, and I can’t imagine people who pay to see it knowing what they’re in for feeling at all shortchanged. Non-horror fans may want to adjust my rating down a monkey.
MONKEY RATING: TWO 3D MONKEYS
(For a brief explanation of the Monkey Review rating system, click here.)